Pornography
Contributed by: iKeepSafe
According to current research, many of our children will be exposed to pornography by the time they are 12 and Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have already been exposed to pornography.
Its availability on the Internet is particularly insidious. According to a new University of Alberta study, 90% of male teens and 70% of female teens reported accessing sexually explicit media content at least once in the past few years. While TV and magazines were cited as sources of pornography viewing, 74% of the students reported viewing pornography on the Internet.
According to Patricia Greenfield, UCLA psychology professor and director of UCLA's Children's Digital Media Center (CDMC), not only will children seeking pornography "find it all over the internet," but those who are not seeking pornography are often inadvertently exposed to it when they conduct Internet searches on perfectly appropriate subjects.
Children are more susceptible to pornography for numerous reasons, but the most important one is that the brain isn’t fully developed at this age. According to psychologists, children are being subjected to sexual material and messages before they are mentally prepared to understand or evaluate what they are viewing. Our children and teenagers simply do not have the “brain power” or mental capabilities to fight against the images to which they are exposed. In other words, these images might be with them for a very long time if not for years, and children are more prone to develop addictions from watching these images.
One of my clients, a 17 year old addicted to pornography, stated, “I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be to get rid of this addiction when I started viewing porn at age 12. I had no idea and now it is almost too hard to stop.”
Following are several warning signs for parents or Pornography Addiction or Abuse:
(For Children and Teenagers – It is important to remember that these signs are just that- signs. They may not ALL be apparent in your child. Some of these signs also can also be present in many mental disorders such as depression, but when coupled with 4,7, 8, pornography is more than likely present along with the depression.
1. LOW SELF-ESTEEM: Has a problem with who he/she is and their worth. May feel excessive shame or guilt.
2. PLEASER: May have a hard time saying “no” to others. Believes that other’s needs are more important than his/her own.
3. POOR RELATIONSHIP WITH PARENTS: May believe that they have unrealistic expectations of him/her. May become increasingly belligerent and oppositional.
4. ISOLATES: Increasingly wants to be alone. Becomes more and more secretive and has a hard time communicating feelings and needs.
5. LOSS OF AMBITION: Grades in school may drop. Has little desire to do homework, help around the house or do homework. Loses interest in things that previously brought him/her pleasure.
6. POOR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS: May lose pleasure in participating in social situations and he/she may seem awkward and unsure of him/herself.
7. COMPUTER TIME: Spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer, especially at night.
8. SLEEP: Has erratic sleep patterns. A parent may find the child awake at all hours of the night.
9. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet, kind and or happy to depressed, anxious or angry. Denies that anything is wrong when approached.
10. UNHEALTHY FOCUS: May have an unhealthy focus and curiosity about their bodies or the body of members of the opposite sex.
11. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: Parents, teachers -- it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong. May also say “If you loved me you would …. Trust me.”
12. MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS: The user says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or, "You make me happy”
13. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted especially about his/her competence, looks, or self-worth.
14. ABUSE: Was abused physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually as a child
15. ENTITLEMENT: Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
16. LACKS EMPATHY: Is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
As a clinician and mother, I understand that the first impulse of any parent with a child having an addiction problem is to be hyper vigilant. Many times we feel like grounding them until they are 18 at which time hopefully they will have enough sense to be responsible. At other times we smother to the point that it destroys their life and ours. One child I heard told his mom, “Mom, you are too much mother for me”. It really doesn’t do any good to smother or try and control behaviors. It is counter productive. Then what to do? Remember what motivates people, including children and teenagers--love and acceptance. As I have worked with people I have come up with 3 steps of love that I think apply here: Get to know the person, accept them unconditionally, and do for them.
First. To love someone you have to get to know them. You may be mad or disgusted with your child for their “stupidity” in getting hooked on pornography but if that happens the focus turns to you and your reaction. Calm down. Talk to your spouse or friend or get professional help before you approach your child. It truly won’t do you any good if you just yell at your child or demean or degrade him/her. Then listen to your child. Ask questions and try to understand the scope and breadth of the problem. Don’t lecture. You will need to have a good rapport with them if you are going to help them and lecturing will just turn them off to you and your ideas.
Second. Accept your child unconditionally. If you love someone you accept them for who they are. This doesn’t mean you have to accept their behavior but you do need to accept them as a person. You don’t love your child if you place restrictions on your love ( i.e., “I will approve and accept you if you perform or you are the person I want you to be.” Or “I will love you if you don’t have any bad habits like drugs or pornography.”) If you don’t unconditionally accept your child and where they are at, you don’t love them. Instead you love who they can become or who they’d be if they didn’t have a problem. And if you don’t love unconditionally, trust me, they will reject you and you won’t have any influence on them. This is hard for a parent especially when we are hit with the shock of our child’s damaging behavior. So how do you love your child unconditionally?
· It is what it is. Understand this is where your child is at. If you don’t accept them and where they’re at, they might become more oppositional to you.
· Again. Find out the scope of the problem and believe in them. Believe that they will overcome the problem. We all tend to be hard on ourselves and this is especially true of the person with an addiction problem. They get in a cycle of guilt, shame and hopelessness and they don’t know how to get out of it. They need to rely on your belief of them, at least at first.
· Try not to label. Children and teenagers believe those labels. If they see themselves as an addict, they’ll always be an addict.
· Be a teacher. Teach them the emotional and physiological consequences of addiction. You first have to do some research and know this topic yourself.
· Help your child focus on the good in themselves and help to keep them busy. A busy child involved in things that he/she likes to do will be less likely to get in trouble.
Third. Do for the Child. Your first instinct may be to stop doing for them and treat them differently. You may withdraw your love. Don’t do that. They need your love and support more now than ever.
· Sit down with them and help strategize a plan. The key word here is “help”. If you tell them what will and won’t be done, you are taking away their responsibility for their actions. You want to help them become self-reliant.
· Set boundaries and limits. Keep the computer in a public place. When your child uses the computer they need to have someone present.
· Seek professional help. Trust me. This is something that you cannot solve by yourself. As parents, we can become emotional and therefore ineffectual. A third party is much more objective and can influence your child in ways that you can’t.
· Don’t deny the problem and don’t internalize it. This does no good especially if you become incapacitated by your own feelings of failure or depression. Your child needs help right now from a healthy parent.
By Trish Henrie, Ph.D.
Dr. Henrie is a therapist specializing in addictive disorders and teenagers.
For more resources on overcoming sex addictions, visit the following sites:
Candeo pornography addiction recovery program
InnerGold sexual addiction recovery program
