The Family that Texts Together…A Trusting, Texting Mom’s Strategy
Contributed by: BNetSavvy
Valerie Gregory, in her early 50s, her husband, Carlton, and daughter Jasmine, 17, have made peace with texting in the family. Here’s how:
Jasmine asked for a phone around the age of 11, and we told her she had to wait until she was about 13. Her father actually bought her first phone for Christmas, which was very surprising because he was probably the one who was most against it. But her middle school was way out in woods, and he thought it would be wise for her to have a phone in case of an emergency (school shootings and students being able to call parents seem to be the reason for his change of heart).
We got her a pay-as –you-go type of phone so she could contribute to the cost of it. This also made her more responsible because if she ran out of minutes she would have to wait, because we were only going to purchase this card once a month. She did not have access to texting because it was too expensive.
It probably was in high school before she actually got texting, but again the cost made her more conservative about it. When her first phone died she actually researched payment plans so she could get unlimited texting — it was obvious she wanted to do it more because her friends were doing it more. So this opened the door of unlimited texting!!
Interestingly enough, Jasmine’s father actually sent her first “parent text”. I can remember it so clearly as we were flying to Atlanta and when we arrived, Jasmine texted her dad to tell him that we had arrived safely (saves on phone minutes since she has unlimited text). We were actually kind of doing it as a joke, but when her father texted her back, the joke was on us! We were shocked because we didn’t even know that he was so in tune.
Jasmine first introduced me to texting as a way to communicate with her without using up her phone minutes (because she was still paying for those). So if she had to stay after school and give me a time to pick her up, she would send me a text — which I thought was kind of nice because it was quiet and could be done without talking.
Still, even though she has unlimited text, when she sends it to us, we have to pay for it. So she installed Aim [AOL Instant Messaging] on my computer, and now we can text and not use up our phone minutes.
Jasmine texts all the time now. She rarely talks on the phone and her connections with her friends are through texting. (Want to go to the mall? What time? Meet you there? What are you wearing?)
I don’t worry too much about it because Jasmine and I have a very open, communicative relationship. We had this before texting, so she tells me a lot about what is going back and forth. To me because we established this kind of relationship early on, it makes it easy for me to trust that she is not abusing this.
We do talk about the bullying that can take place through texting much like the computer. Young people will cuss someone out in a heartbeat through texting and then forward it to others—changing the text at times. She tells me about BIG arguments between people through texting, and we talk about what people will say through this medium that they would never say in person.
There is also “forwarding” in texting, whether it be jokes or a saying for the day. Some times these things can be very sexual in nature as well. She has even shared with me a story about a “drug sell” through texting. The sky is the limit, and this is so frightening. Not that Jasmine shares everything – but she is honest and I trust her enough to know what she is doing.
The only real rule we have had to set is NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING! If you need to text, stop and do it. We eat as a family and she doesn’t bring her phone to the table. This is our time. This rule kind of set itself, I believe, but it opens the door for communication.
Honestly, texting has really opened the door of communication between Jasmine and me, particularly since she is driving. She lets me know when she arrives, tells me when she is on her way home, etc. This is kind of cool because she can do it quietly and her friends probably don’t realize she is talking with her mom.
One downside: I do think the art of conversation is affected by texting, especially when these young people first meet someone. I find that they are slow to start conversation and seem to struggle with it (even Jasmine). They don’t seem to know how to keep an initial conversation going. What kinds of questions do you ask when you first meet someone? How do you keep a conversation going?
I have seen it in Jasmine and so we purposely put her in situations where she has to keep a conversation going. She hates it but has gotten used to it and seems to manage. I think it is important for a parent to learn how to text and use it with the child. Being connected in “their world” really helps them to appreciate you and be more welcoming.
Mobile safety in general. Just as in chat rooms and social sites, kids need to think about who they text and talk with. They should never text/talk about sex with strangers. Phones should only be used to communicate with people they know in the real world.
Bullying by phone. Since young people’s social lives increasingly unfold on cell phones as well as the Web, cyberbullying and harassment have gone mobile too. Talk with your kids about how the same manners and ethics you’ve always taught them apply on phones and the Web as in “real life.”
Mobile social networking. Many social sites have a feature that allows users to check their profiles and post comments from their phones. That means some teens can do social networking literally anywhere, in which case any filter you may have installed on a home computer does nothing to block social networking. Talk with your teens about where they’re accessing their profiles or blogs from and whether they’re using the same good sense about how they’re social networking on their phones.
Social mapping. More and more cell phones have GPS technology installed, which means teens who have these phones can pinpoint their friends’ physical location - or be pinpointed by their friends. Talk with your kids about using such technology and advise them to use it only with friends they know in person.
Valerie’s Six Tips for Parents Whose Kids Text
- Develop the kind or relationship with your child that is based on open communication. Learn to feel comfortable listening when necessary and nurturing trust in the early stages.
- Take time to learn and understand how to do texting.
- It is OK to set parameters about when texting is not appropriate: during family time, while driving, when studying or doing homework.
- Use texting as a way to communicate with your child.
- Have a frank talk about security, bullying, abusive use of phones and computers. These conversations should happen before a phone is even purchased.
- Give children some financial responsibility with texting. Nothing in life is free not even unlimited texting! =)
Wireless Phone Safety Tips – From Connect Safely
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Media-sharing by phone. Most mobile phones we use today have cameras, some videocams - and teens love to share media with friends on all types of mobile devices. There is both a personal-reputation and -safety aspect to this. Talk with your teens about never letting other people photograph or film them in embarrassing or inappropriate situations (and vice versa). They need to understand their own and others’ privacy rights in sharing photos and videos via cell phones.
‘Smart phones.’ We’ve already been over many smart- or 3G-phone features above, but remember they usually include the Web. That means more and more people can access all that the Web offers, appropriate or not, on their phones as well as computers. Mobile carriers are beginning to offer filtering for the content available on their services, but they have no control over what’s on the Web. Parents of younger kids might want to consider turning off Web access and turning on filtering if they’re concerned about access to adult content.
Text messaging costs. On some mobile services, a single text message can cost 15 cents to send and a couple of cents to receive. Check to see if your carrier has flat-rate texting that can be included in your child’s or family’s service plan; otherwise your teens could be using up their entire college fund.
